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ALL ON ACCOUNT 
OF PROFESSOR 

By HARRY L. DIXSON 



Author of 

THE PROFESSOR'S MUMMY 
MR. MERCHANT of VENICE 
THE BUG HUNTER, Etc. 



Property of 




SPECIAL NOTICE 

This is a ROYALTY PLAY, protected according to law 
by U. 5. Copyright with all Rights Reserved to NA TIONAL 
DRAMA COMPANY, Memphis, Tennessee, from 
whom a Copyright Privilege License must be se- 
cured for each and every presentation. 



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RAWLINGS PRINTER MEMPHIS 



ALL ON ACCOUNT 
of PROFESSOR 

By HARRY L. DIXSON 



Author of 
THE PROFESSOR'S MUMMY 
MR. MERCHANT 0/ VENICE 
THE BUG HUNTER, Etc. 



Copyrighted, 1922 by 
The National Drama Co. 



All Rights Reserved to 

THE NATIONAL DRAMA COMPANY 

MEMPHIS, TENN. 






FOREWORD 



11 ERE is what Mr. Dixson considers his best 
plaj). We pass it on to you wi4iout comment 
and have full confidence mat a careful reading ^\>ill 
convince you of its unusual merit. 

Our price for Copyright Privilege License for one 
presentation of {his pla}) is $5.00, and ^\'e furnish 
FREE v?im each License a complete set of parts 
for each character, a Coach copy and an exclusive 
reservation on your point. We also agree to refund 
ihe full amount paid us if 4ie plaj) is produced 
and found unsatisfactory. 

Sincerely) yours, 

The NATIONAL DRAMA COMPANY, 

P. O. Box 797 •• Memphis, Tennessee 

(See Order Blank in Back of Book) 
©CI.D {)0474 



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ALL ON ACCOUNT 
of PROFESSOR 

Copyrighted 1922. All Rights Reserved. 



CAST 



PROF. MARK M. LOW— President of Lacteal Institute. 
PHALEN PHLUNK — hates Lacteal Institute and the very idea of schodf. 
WILL KNOTT — Phalen's chum, and with him in everything. 
NOAH HEEP — always ready for any scheme. 

ALLEGRETTI SMYTHE— such a nice boy. '■ 

VERA WISE— ready for any fun. * 

RETTA RICK— Vera's dearest friend. 
WINNA— MARKS— a real student. 

ADA FLUNKER— always lends a helping hand. ' ' 

MAY KISS AM — just the sweetest girl. 
RHODA PONY— will graduate when the time comes. 
MILLIE TERRY— a quiet girl, ready for fun. 

CARRIE WAY — can always he counted on. ' 

McWANG — High Mogul of the Sub-ProvinCe of Elsewhere and proud" of 
his job. ' • 

SAMBO SAM — a man of few words. . ' . 

YING LING — Secretary of State for McWang. • 

PUM DUM — Leader of the Evergreen- Band of Elsewhere and proud of 
his job. : 

CHIP CHOP— an able assistant to Death. • > 

O'Hang — a sleepy guard. 

SANA — McWang's officious stenographer. 
ONOTA— , 

WaTANNA — Dear sweet girls, who work for their board at; McSwan-g's 
TU TU — Palace while attending School. 
YUNNAN— 
NAKODA — an elderly maiden in love with McSwang. 

YUM — Nakoda's attendant. v • 

EVER GREEN BAND OF ELSEWHERE— they furnish music cheap. : 

NOTE: — The above cast consists of 26 speaking parts^ll males and 
15 females — and as many more non-speaking parts can be added as.de* 
sired. The Ever Green Band can be composed of all the boys in the cast 
except McWang and Sambo. In that case change of wardrobe must be 
ready for them. ,. •, 

For a cast of 9 males and 10 females— Pum Dum and Ying Ling ; is 
doubled. Chip Chop and Noah is doubled, by giving Noah's lines in ACT 
IV to the other boys. Onota and Sana is doubled. May, Rhoda, Millie^ 
and Carry can \e cut out and the consistent lines given to the other girls: 

For a cast of 6 males and 20 females — Sambo can be played as a so;rt 
of "Topsy" part with lines changed accordingly. Chip Chop can be 
played by a girl. Pum Dum can be made a sort of "Suffragette'' part 
and played by a girl. Ying Ling's lines can be given to Sana. O'Hang 
can be made an Irish biddy "Suffragette" policeman by changing a' few 
lines. Ever Green Band can be made an Old Maids' Ladies Band. 



For a cast of 9 males and 6 females — Pum Dum and Ying double.. Noah 
doubles Chip Chop by giving Noah's lines in ACT IV to the other boys. 
Sana can be cut out and her lines given to Ying Ling. Vera, Retta, Win- 
na, and Ada can double the Japane.se Maids by having change of ward- 
robe ready. Cut Maids out of ACT IV. 

Intermediate casts can be easily arranged. 

SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I — Prof. Mark M. Low's Lacteal Institute. The Geological well. 

ACT II — Garden of McWang's Palace. The sorrows of a High Mogul. 

ACT III — The Royal Prison. It's worse than Lacteal Institute. - 

ACT IV — Throne Room in McWang's Palace. All's well that ends * 
well. 

Locality— ACT I, Ennyoletown, America. ACTS II, III, and IV, the 
Sub-Province of Elsewhere, China. m 

Time — Many years hence. T 

PROPERTIES. 

ACT I — Large sign, "Mark M. Low's Lacteal Institute,'' for front of 
house. Pump, pail, and dipper. Bench, milk pails, milk cans. Earth 
and rocks for well. Books, papers and cowbell for Prof. Pennies for | 
Will and Phalen. Letter for Vera. Large book for Winna. Lunch bas- i 
4cets, etc., for girls. Sofa cushions for Allegretti. Tinware and sardine f 
can for Noah. Base ball. Rope swing with board seat. 

ACT II — Nail keg. Sign, "Keep Off the Grass.'' A number of Japan- 
ese lanterns. Larg^ Jap umbrella. A note and two large official letters 
with red seals for Sambo, Whistle for McWang. Large razor for Sambo. 

ACT III — Broken lunch baskets. Battered sardine can and tinware for 
Noah. Two rude benches. A wooden block. Steel bar for bell. Organ. 
Sp.veral small coins for boys. 

ACT IV— Throne steps and chair. Low table. Headsman's block. 
Short pieces of chains for pupils. Long rope for O'Hang. Large axe or 
hatchet for Chip Chop. Old typewriter for Sana, Policeman's club or 
large stick for McWang. 

COSTUMES. 

PROF. LOW — Ill-fitting suit— black trousers, frock coat, stove pipe 
hat, old fashioned glasses, bald gray wig. May wear beard or not. 

ALLEGRETTI— Loud, stylish suit. 

BOYS — Neat school suits. For picnic, wear large straw hats, etc., that 
wiU iniftcate such an event. 

GIRLS — Neat school dresses. Picnic hats, etc., when they start for 
China, 

McWANG — Chine.se trousers and coat, both of bright materials but 
not of the same pattern. Large folding fan, sandals, Jag wig, or his 
hair can be drawn to the top of head and tied with thread to make the 
top knot. 

SAMBO SAM — Played Negro, Shirt waist, high collar, loud tie, crash 
«kirt to knees. Black stockings, enormous shoes. Negro wig and no hat. 

PUM DUM^ — Ridiculous drum major uniform. 

CHIP CHOP — Dressed as Carrie Nation. Black dress, bonnet, gray 
wig. He can wear a long black robe with skull and cross-bones pointed 
In white on breast. Long black hood that slips on over the head and 
has holes for the nose and eyes. The eye-holes should be about the size 
of a dollar. The hatchet or axe can be made of wood and should be of 
enormous size. 

O'HANG — Played Irish. Police uniform. 

SANA, ONOTA, ETC.— Costumes of bright colored calico. The sashes 
are of colored cambric and tied in big bows behind. The bows are 

4 



spread and pinned to the dress. All the Japanese characters wear san- 
dals made of white canvas after the house-slipper pattern. Hair ia 
dressed Jap style or wigs can be worn. All carry Jap folding fans, the 
Maids of only moderate size. Small fans for the hair are made by fold- 
ing bright colored paper. One end of the paper is bound and a hair pin 
stuck through it to fasten it to the hair. The other end when spread, 
gives the appearance of an open fan. 

NAKODA — Somber Jap dress, large Jap fan. 

YING IJNG — Somber Jap dress, same pattern as the Maids. His sash 
tied in a hard knot on the left side, the ends hanging to bottom of his 
dress. Large Jap fan, which, when not open and in use, is stuck in sash. 
Sandals, Jap wig or fixes hair like McWang. 

EVER GREEN BAND — Fantastic and ridiculous costumes. The band 
instruments have "Zobos*' or "Kazoos" fitted in the mouthpieces and 
the boys simply hum through these. Pretty good music can be made at 
that. Any music dealer can ge.t these "Zobos'* for you and they are 
very cheap. 

NOTE: — See native pictures of Chinese and Japanese to get ideas for 
costumes and head dresses. A good pattern for a Japanese kimona is 
Butterick Pattern No. 5873 and its price is 15c. 

SUGGESTIONS. 

Instead of Ennyoletown can insert name of local town and for Else- 
whare that of nearby town. Other locals in the script can be used or not. 
Can introduce appropriate specialties even if the script does not call 
for them. 

Do not be afraid to use plenty of business or action with the lines. 

Persons outside the cast may be introduced in ACT I as pupils and in 
ACT IV by having them appear as Japs or Chinese. 

Keep the nature of the play a secret but throw out just enough hints 
to keep your friends interesed. 

If you use specialties you can announce them on the program as fol- 
lows: "During the performance the following disturbances will be per- 
petrated.'* 

Any reputable music dealer can furnish the music mentioned in the 
script. He can also get the "Zobos" or "Kazoos'' for you. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The actor is supposed to be on the stage facing the audience. R. means 
right. L. is left. C. is center. R. C. right of center. L. C. left of cen- 
ter. D. or "Down" is towards front of stage. U. or "Up'» is toward 
rear of stage. D. R. isdown right. D. L. is down left. R. U. is up right. 
L. U. is up left X. means to cross. 

SCENE: — Prof. Mark M. Low's Lacteal Institute. Wood setting. Fence 
across back of stage with gate at C. House L. U. with large sign on 
front, "Mark M. Low's Lacteal Institute." Bench up by fence to L of 
gate. On this bench are milk pails, cans, etc. May also have some cans 
hung on pickets of fejice. Pump with pail and dipper up C to R of 
gate — this pump can be made practical by having a tub of water below 
the stage and the pipe from thepump extending to it, pumping real 
water makes a good effect. Rope swing with board seat down R. Earth, 
stones, etc., piled around trap (or hole in stage at R. C. If it's impos- 
sible to have a hole in the stage, the earth, etc., can be placed at side 6t 
stage just so it will show and the pupils can exit above it at the end of 
the Act. When a hole can be used, it will be necessary to have steps 
leading from it into the basement. Lights full up. Time, morning. 

When the curtain rises, several pupils are on stage. Vera and Ritta 



are in the swing down R. Will and Phaleai are playing ball across front 
of house. Winna seated down L. studying. You can have other pupils 
on stage — these may be some from outside of cast or you can use those 
who appear also in last Act as Chinese, Japs, etc. If so desired, the 
curtain can rise with them all singing "School Days" in chorus. As they 
are singing they can be amusing themselves as school children are wont 
to do. If no chorus is used, liven up the scene with ad lib conversation. 
The other pupils enter from time to time. 

PROF — (After a few moments, enters from house with cow bell in 
hand) 

WILL — (Is up R. Throws ball and knocks Prof's hat off.) 

— PROF. — (Looks around quickly) 

WILL — PHALEN — (Pretend to be interested in something else) 

PROF. — (Puts hat on and again looks about suspiciously. Pause and 
smiles) Good morning, children, good morning! 

PUPILS — (In sing-song manner) Good morning, teacher! Lovely 
morning! 

PROF.^ — Delightful! I am glad to see so many present. 1 hope you all 
have your lessons learned. 

PUPILS — Of course we have. 

NOAH— (Aside) Nit! 

PROF. — Then shall we all assemble? 

PUPILS — Dear teacher, yes, yes! 

PROF. — Then hearken to the be-ll. (Standing above door, rings cow 
bell) 
PUPILS — (Slowly arrange themselves in two lines before Prof.) 

PROF. — (Marks time by clapping his hands. Turns and enters house.) 

PUPILS — (Noisily march into house after Prof.) 

WILL— PHALEN— (Are last in line) 

WILL — (Pulling Phalen back from door) Say, let's skip. 

PHALEN — Forget it. Will, my boy, forget it! I've skipped too many 
times already. 

WILL— Afraid, eh? 

PHALEN — No, I'm not afraid, eh. But it's pretty risky going, it so near 
the end of the term. 

WILL — Pshaw! There's nothing doing today anyhow but that lecture 
on the "Milky Way." 

PHALEN — Guess you're right. (Considers a moment) I'll go you if 
I lose! I'm getting beastly tired of this old Institute. How old Marky 
can think he can combine a dairy farm with a school beats me! My! 
aint I glad a few days more will wind up the term! 

WILL — You don't feel any better about that, Phalen, than I do. It's 
bad enough going to school without feeding young, infant bovines, milk- 
ing the gay and festive cow, etc., etc. I'm sick and tired of the whole 
business. Look out! Some one is coming! 

WILL — PHALEN — (Hide down in front of house and watch Allegretti 
as he enters C) 

ALLEGRETTI — (Coming from L., enter gate C. Walks across stage 
with mincing steps and enters house) 

WILL— PHALEN— (Sneak back) 

PHALEN — Isn't that new fellow a peach! 

WILL — I'll bet his mother doesn't know he's out. 

PHALEN — Wonder what he gets besides his tuition for playing on the 
ball team? 

WILL — Don't ask me. About two bits I guess. 

PHALEN — What's his name anyv^ay? 

WILL — (Affected voice) Why deah me. old chap, don't you know? 



PHALEN — No, put me wise. 

WILL — That's AUegretti Smythe. The.y say he sprained his brains 
at College and I understand his royal jiblets is here for his health. 

PHALEN — (Laughs lightly) We'll make it healthy for him, all right 

WILL — Leave that to Noah. 

PHALEN — So that's the reason why AUegretti acts so mannish, donch- 
erknow. A change in feed and climate does make a great difference in 
some people. 

WILL — Poor jay! Don't suppose he could have gone anywhere's else. 
I tell you what, just as long as institutions of this kind are patronizecJ 
by such guys, the longer good fellows, like you and me, are sent to them 
by our fond and loving parents. 

PHALEN — Oh, well, some of these jays would rather attend school 
anyway than "Go to the city." But let's cut this out. What's doing? 

WILL — Seems to be nothing just at present. Wish I could puff a cloud 
or two but I haven't even a "Fire stick.'' 

PHALEN— Got any cents? 

WILL — What, a man of my high literary attainments without sense? 
Why, that's a foolish question, 

PHALEN — I mean pennies, of course. 

WILL— Oh-h! That's different again. 

PHALEN — The other meaning is out of the question in your case. 

WILL — Thanks! But when it comes to matching pennies. I'm with 
you. Let her went! 

WILL — PHALEN — (Play matching pennies down L. side of house) 

PUPILS — (Inside of house, sing "Good Morning, Merry Sunshine," or 
some other kindergarten song) 

PHALEN — (After song) That salutatory of the Freshman Class sounds 
like the (Local) Quartette. 

WILL — It's worse than that. 

VERA — Enter from house and going to pump gets drink from pail. 
Starts back to. house, sees boys, smiles and returns stealthily to pump 
and gets some water in dipper. Creeps up on boys and throws water 
on them) There, that will wash your sins away! (Laughs as she hides 
above house) 

WILIj — PHALEN — (Jump up in surprise. Will runs back of house and 
Phalen in front and catch Vera and bring her down C.) 

WILL — Vera, it's a good thing those "Clothings" you wear are not 
washable. If they were, we'd take you over to that "water-elevator" and 
give you a good dousing. 

PHALEN — An acquaintance with good, cold H20 Would do you good. 

VERA — Oh thank you, Mr. Phunk. I am not like some people for I am 
already acquainted with H20. WE have met on several occasions. 

WILL — (Aside) Wow, what a slam! 

PHALEN — I think this informal meeting would have surpassed any of 
the others. 

VERA — Perhaps it would. (Mock serious) Don't you boys know it's 
wicked to skip? 

WILLr— PHALEN— No, really? 

VERA— Yes. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves — great big boys 
like you. 

PHALEN — Now listen, I can't help it. My grandfather was a skipper 
on a schooner. I inherited the skip from him. 

WILL — Was that a joke? You must be careful, me boy, you must be 
careful. Skipping comes natural to me. I didn't inherit it from any- 
body. Why, when I was a wee, little chee-ild I 

RETTA— (Enters from house) 



PHALiEN — ^Aha! Another deserter joins our ranks. Welcome to our 
city! 

WILL — (Exaggerated manner) How do you do, Miss Retta Rick? 

RETTA — Howdy everybody! What, you boys skipping again? 

PHALEN — You've spoken the truth. 

RETTA — That's dreadful! Don't you know it is? 

WILL — Yes, but we just can't help it. We are slavey to habit, you 
know. 

RETTA — It's an awfully bad habit and it made you miss the speech 
this morning. Uncle Josia Judkins, chairman of the board of education, 
in this here town, is in there and he just gave us a litle lecture. Here's 
a free sample of it. (Imitating) "Ahem! Ahem! It gives me great pleas- 
ure this beautiful morning, to gaze into your young and smiling faces." 

OMNES— (Applaud) 

RETTA— "You are on the very threshold of life." 

WILL — Hurrah for the threshold! 

RETTA — "Soon you will be launched on the sea of life." 

WILI^-PHALEN— Hurrah! Hurrah! Good thing! 

PHALEN — The navy for mine! 

RETTA — "I want to say a few words this glorious morning that may 
prove useful to you when you are launched on the billows of adversity. 
Ahem! Ahem!'' 

PHALEN — Come., come, that's enough. Cut it out! No billows of ad- 
versity for me. 

RETTA — "Some of you may be President of these here United States 
of America." 

WILL— Or Mexico. 

VERA — Enough of this nonsense! I have something to divulge 'that 
is worth listening to. 

WILL — Divulge — divulge — some word that — get it? 

RETTA— Something WORTH listening to, eh? I like that! Think 
you're smart, don't you? You may be all right but I can't see it that way. 

VERA — Oh, you can't? Say, that's too bad, it really is. Pej'haps I am 
like someone else not far from here. 

WILL — Hear! Hear! Order in the court! 

PHALEN — Yes, let the dove of peace hover once more in our midst. 

RETTA— Well, she— 

PHALEN^ — Nay, nay, so no more. (To Vera) Pray explain most high 
and noble Princess. 

VERA — (Takes out letter) Well, this morning I found, no matter 
whej-e, this copy of a letter by Professor Low to detective (Local) 

RETTA — It's about that old Geological well over there, (Points to 
well) I suppose. He's all wrapt up in it. Don't you know, I think that 
next to dairying, Geology holds the warmest place in his hard, asphaltic 
heart. 

VERA — (Stamps foot) Attention, everyone of you! They'll be looking 
me up, if I don't hurry. 

PHALEN— (Salutes) We are all attention. 

VERA— (Reads letter) "Ennyoletown, May 5.— 
Dear Friend: 

I am pleased to send you these few lines regarding the Geological well 
you have so often heard me speak of." 

RETTA— Thexe, I knew what it was. 

VERA — "As you know, for the past twenty years I, with my co-workers 
have been digging in the earth and carting away the dirt with the fond 
hope of coming at last to China." 

PHALEN— That's some hope, all right. 

8 



VERA — "What was our great surprise and joy yesterday on digging 
into a secret room, which by measurements, we know to be directly un- 
der a palace of some High Mogul of the Orient, Tonight I go to explore 
this room.'' 

WILL — Hope he, don't get back in time for school tomorrow. 

VERA — Oh, please stop butting in and listen. 

WILL — We are lis-ten-ing, 

VERA — "Should I not return, this Lacteal Institute, together with the 
appended water-elevator, is bequeathed to (Local). In my best pants' 
pocket you will find twenty-five cents to pay Di\ (Local) for pulling a 
calf's milk tooth day before yesterday. I beg to remain. 

Sincerely yours, 

MARK M. LOW, Phd." 

RETTA — Let me see. Takes letter and looks it over) 

PHALEN — P-h-d. I suppose that stands for Doctor of Dairying. 

WILL— Naw, it means PUMP HANDLE DAIRYMAN! 

PHALEN — Guess, you're right. 

RETTA — (Holding up letter) Isn't that great! Look here. Old Marh;^ 
is going to China tonight. Now, why can't we beat him to it by going 
jlown the well this very aftej^noon? (Hands letter to Vera) 

VERA — (Takes letter) Wouldn't that be grand! 

WILL — (To Retta) A bright thought, a very bright thought. Who 
would a thunk it of you? 

PHALEN — By the "Great horn spoon," I'm with you on this! Say, 
you girls just put the others next when you get inside and when schooi 
lets out we'll all go to China. 

VERA — And let's take some lunch so we can stay longer. 

WILL — Yes, we may HAVE to have something to fill the. inner man 
before we can get back. 

VERA — Clapping hands) Have a picnic over there! That's a good 
scheme! 

RETTA — We'll show the. Chinese what a real picnic is like. 

PHALEN — I'll bet it will be the craziest picnic we ever had. 

VERA — Won't we show those "Heathens" a few things though! 

RETTA — I hope so. Why I am so excited, I can't hardly wait unti> 
the time comes for us to start. Couldn't we go right away? 

PHALEN— Well, hardly. 

VERA — No, not until school lets out anyway. 

WILL— On this momentous occasion allow me to propose three cheers 
for the success of the trip. Hip! Hip! 

Omnes — Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! 

PHALEN — (Getting his breath) Phew! That's pretty good for a startev. 

WILL — If we make a noise like that over in old China, they will run 
us out of the country. 

VERA — And you couldn't blame them. The.y might think it was an- 
other Boxer uprising or something. 

WILL — They might take us for a bunch of iftissionaries gone crazy and 
kill us on the spot, 

WINNA — (Enter from house) Girls, Professor Low says for you to 
come right in. He says you have, been out here long enough. 

PHALEN — Say, Winna, could you hear our recent war-whoop in there! 

WINNA — I should say we could, and Professor is awfully mad, 

PHALEN— Oh, he'll get over it. 

WINNA — But he can do and say a lot of things before he does. Now, 
girls, do come right in and save yourselves a lot of trouble. (Exit into 
house,) 

9 



.VERA— rCome, Retta. Well have to hurry or Old Marky will be after 
us himself and if he comes out here, he may get the boys, too. 

•PHALEN-^Don't you ever think it. Remember I am a good skipper. 

WILL — He won't get me, not while running is good. No use to be 
scared just because Winna is excited. Don't tear yourselves away like 
this. 

RETTA — When Marky sends for anyone, he usually wants them real 
bad and it's not good sense to linger. 

VERA —No, we must hurry. (Starts) 

WILL - Then, farewe.il, fairest maiden, fare thee well! 

PHALEN— Don't forget to put the rest of the, push wise to the picnic. 

VERA— RETTA— We won't. 

VERA — Couldn't forget anything like that, you know. 

VERA— RETTA— (Exuent into house.) 

WILL — Say, old boy, experiences in the Philippines or at the North 
Pole will fade away into insignificance beside this adventure. If we 
hurry, we can get back here before old Marky starts. 

PHALEN— What? Go eight thousand miles through the earth and get 
back before supper? You've got to show me. I'm from Missouri. 
' WILL — You look as if you were from (Local). But see here, you're 
talking through your fifty cent bonnet. Is it possible you don't know 
how the trip is made? 
. PHALEN— (Shakes head) Nope. 

WILL — Why, for the past four years. Professor Mark M. ^Lw, Phd., 
has been pounding this scheme of his into our "Pedestals of Intellects'' 
and here you have the audacity to stand up and declare that you know 
nothing about it. 

PHAT EN — That's about the size of it. Guess I must have been absent 
the days he entertained you. Put me wise to what YOU know. 

WILL — Well, then, you see it is this way. There is a long ladder down 
this old well, (They cross to well and look down.) 

WILL — Do you see it? 

PHALEN- Of course I see it. I'm not blind you know. 

WILL — Well, you get nicely started on that, when the hole gets larger, 
you let go. 
;. PHALEN— And break your neck. 

WILL — Aw no! Of course, you take a fall, and a big one, towards the 
center of the earth. 

PHALEN — Yes, that seems natural. 

WILL — The force of gravity carries you by the center of the earth 
and almost to the other side.. There is a long ladder there, too, fixed 
just like this one. All you have to do is to grab a rung and climb out. 
(.Motions as though climbing out) 
..PHALEN— (Beginning to comprehend) Say, that's easy! 

WILL — Easiest thing in the world. 
,,PHALEN^-When we come back, I suppose it means another fall of 
eight thousand miles or so? 

. .WILL — You get the idea exactly. That Henry Clay head of yours 
ought to make a great hit there in China. (Points down well) 
..PHALEN — Well, if I hit something going down, I may make a hit 
somewhere else. {Points up. Reflecting) Eight thousand miles with no- 
thing to hang on to but your breath! Gee, that's some fall! 

WILL — ^^The biggest ever! 

PHALEN — I hear the march of the conquering heroes in there. (Points 
tp house). We'd better make tracks quick! 
^;\VILI^--PHALEN— (Hide quickly above house) 

PROF. — (Appears at door of house and marks time with his hands) 

10 



PUPILS — (Enter noisily from house, marching in two lines) 

PROF. — (When the pupils are all out) Goodbye, children. 

PUPILS — Goodbye, teacher, dear. 

PROF. — Now run along home and be good children until tomorrow. 

PUPILS— We will. 

PROF. — (Turns and enters house) 

PUPILS — (Great chatter at first. Then they depart, one by one, until 
only those going to China are left) ' 

WILL— PHALEN—( Come forward) 

PHALEN — Aha, me merry friends, is all prepared? 

VERA — No yet. We have to go horne and fix up first. 

WILL — Don't be too long about it. 

ADA — Yes, and reanember we must get some lunch ready, too. 

MILLIE — Just a few sandwiches and "sich." 

WILL — You bet ! I almost forgot that important detail. 

CARRIE— We'll lunch in China. Won't that be funny? ' 

WINNA— I'd rather lunch here before we start. That will give us 
more time over there to look around. Besides we don't know that coun- 
try at all and may be we couldn't find a nice place to spread our lunch. 

NOAH — I'll risk that. From the pictures I have seen they have some 
nice looking places for picnics. 

WILL — Wonder what the "Heathen Chinee" will think when they see 
us picnicing under their shade trees? 

RHODA — I wonder if the tea trees will make shade enough? 

NOAH — Which do you prefer, green or black? 

PHALEN — Quit your kidding. 

ALLEGRETTI— Oh deah, won't it be jolly? I don't suppose they evef 
saw anybody who looks like US. 

WILL — ^( Significantly) I sincerely hope not. 

ALLEGRETTI— Yaas, old. chap, that's what I said. 

NOAH — I think this picnic is too much of a dream to come true. 

MAY- — But dreams do sometimes come true, Noah. 

PHALEN^ — I don't want to take any chances on dreams, you can bei 
on that. But this picnic is going to be the real thing. 

NOAH- — I did have a dream once and it was a dream of a dream. 

CARRIE— You? What did you dream? 

NOAH — "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls." 

MILLIE — How romantic! 

NO ah; — But when I woke it was a cell. 

PUPILS— Oh! Ah! Get the axe! 

ALLEGRETTI— (Pause, then laugh) Oh that's good, awfully good, 
doncherknow. 

NOAH— You know it! 

ALLEGRETTI— Yaas, old chap, that's what I said. 

WILL — Now, listen everybody. We are going down that well, you 
know, (Points to well) so come prepared for that "kind of a trip. You 
won't need to wear miners' suits and all that but don't dress too "high- 
fa-lootin'. 
. NOAH — I'll bet the girls will holler when they make, the trip. 

MAY'' — Oh, I don't know. Guess we are as brave as some people I 
know. 

ADA — I'd hate to think we were not as brave. 

ALLEGRETTI— Yaas, so would I. 

NOAH — (Significantly to AUegretti) You're right, all right. 

PUPILS— (Laugh) 

ALLEGRETTI— Oh, I didn't mean 

NOAH — Well, it sounded like that anyway. 

11 ! 



WILL — We're wasting valuable, time. Everybody skip and get ready 
for our Chinese picnic. I just happened to think, we boys have got to 
be back by milking time. Phalen, you stay here and keep guard ove.i 
Marky. We must be sure he doesn't go down that well before we. do. 

PHALEN — Yes, that WOULD spoil things and the meeting at the other 
end wouldn't be pleasant, tha's a cinch. Now, you folks hurry back, for 
.1 don't like this sentry business. 

NOAH— Then we'll fly. 

PUPILS — General conversation as they exuent as follows: AUegretti 
through gate C. going L. Will, May, Millie, R. U. Winna, Norah, Rhoda, 
L. 2. Vera, Retta, R. 2. Carrie C. going L. Ada C. going R. All change 
to picnic hats, sunbonnets, ect.) 

PHALEN — (After pupils have exuented, cross to house and peeps in) 
Hope old Marky goes home before the bunch gets back If he gets wise, 
there will sure be something doing. (Cross R. and sits in swing down R.) 
This really does seem like a dream — too much of a dream to come true. 

PROF. — (Coughs in house) 

PHALEN — Here he comes! Me for the timbers! (Hides R. quickly and 
.slyly watches Prof.) 

PROF. — (Enters from house) The day's work is over at last and soon 
my trip to China begins. (X and looks down well.) Oh, the joy of to- 
night's journey! A trip to China that won't cost a cent. This night 
will show the result of twenty long years of labor. By tomorrow I will be 
more talked of than a Mexican President in his palmiest days, 

PHALEN — (Aside) And so will we. 

PROF. — These ungrateful pupils may yet be proud of thefr old master. 
I will heap coals of fire on their heads by taking them with me some 
day. 

PHALEN — (Aside) I guess not. 

PROF. — I am all excitement! I can hardly take time to glance over 
tomorrow's lessons, I'm in such a hurry. (Exit hurriedly into house) 

PHALEN — (Sneaks back on stage) That was a close shave. G-ee, I 
hope the bunch hurry up and get back. If they don't come pretty soon, 
there will be no hope of beating him to China. (Looks off R.) Well, here 
comes ^ome of them anyway. 

MAY— WILLIE— WINNA— (Enter May, R. U., has pasteboard box. Mil- 
lie, R. U. with large basket; Winna, L., with large book) 

MAY — Well, here I am, but I got ready in such a hurry I'm quite sure 
I've left something. 

RHODA — (Enter L. with fancy basket) Hello, folks! (Holds up bas- 
ket) Isn't ray basket pretty? 

PHALEN— You can't eat that. 

RHODA — No, of course not, but it's nice to look at and that helps a lot. 

MAY — I should say it does! I'm ashamed of this old pasteboard box. 

MILLIE — (Looking her basket over) I brought everything I could find 
that was eatable — ^^which isn't much. 

NOAH— ALLEGRETTT—( Enter: Noah, L. loaded down with tinware 
and has sardine can in R. hand. AUegi^etti, C. from L., arms full of 
.cushions) 

WINNA — I couldn't find a thing at home to eat so I brought a history 
-of China. It may come in |iandy over there. 

PHALEN — Oh, cut that out! Nothing but eats goes. 

RHODA — No, take it along. One can read things better than they can 
remember them. If we are going to enjoy China, we may haye to look 
oip some history. 

MILLIE — And may be we can use it as a sort of guide. 

NOAH — That's right. And you may need tinware., too, for that picnic 

12 



dinner, so I brought some along. All I could find to contribute to the 
general eat fund was a can of sardines — "Done in oil.'' (Holds up can) 
That may help some. 

VERA— CARRY— (Enter: Vera, R. with small fancy basket. Carrie, 
C. from L., with lunch box) 

ALLEGRETTI— (Makes face) Oh, deah! How can you eat the. horrid 
little things? They smell so dreadfully! 

NOAH — Aw, you're too "Finicky." 

ALLEGRETTI — Yaas, old chap, that's what I said. Oh girls, just look 
at all the sofa pillows I brought along — wasn't I thoughtful? 

WILL— ADA— RETT A— (Enter: Will, R., with two packages that look 
like pies wrapped up. Ada, C. from R., with basket. Retta, R., with pack- 
age, done up with ribbon) 

VERA — (To Allegretti) You are the best ever. Always so thoughtful. 

NOAH— PHALEN—( Groan aside) Aw! 

CARRIE — You always think of someone else. 

RHODA — Especially of us girls. 

NOAH— WILL— PHALEN—( Groan aside) Aw! 

NOAH— (To boys) Wouldn't that kill you? 

WILI^-PHALEN— (Nod heads, aside) Well, I guess! 

RETTA — Aren't we all here? 

ADA — Looks like it. (Looks about) No one seems to be missing. 

PHALEN — Th'^n what are we w.aiting for? Come on quick — evea:y- 
body! (X to well) 

ADA — Then farewell, old Marky! (Waves hand towards house) 

WILL — (Waves hand towards house) Yes, fare thee well till we meet 
again ! 

NOAH — Let us hope it won't be in China. 

PUPILS— (Gather about well) 

WILL — Here, Allegretti, you go first. You've got the cushions and 
if the gravity fails to work, you'll have something soft to fall on. 

ALLEGRETTI — Oh, deah no! How could you expect me to do suca 
a thing? It's always women and children first, you know. 

NOAH — (Aside) You can't beat him? 

WILL — (With sarcasm) You're thoughtful all right, Allegretti. Espe- 
cially for THE GIRLS. (Looks at girls) 

PHALEN — Well, I'm not afraid! I'll be the heTO without asking. So 
here goes? (Takes place on top of ladder) 

PUPILS — (Sing farewell chorus: "Goodbye, Old Marky.'' Tune: "Tale 
of the Kangaroo.'') 

We.'ew going now to China, goodbye, dear friends and true! 

But we can't stop to cry now — we'll soon come back to you. 

Seek out our darling Marky. Fly swift as Cupid's dove. 

Give him this farewell message, "He's the only Prof, we love.'' 

We don't think! 

(The last three words are spoken in chorus and not sung, after this 
first chorus only. At the end of the first chorus, Phalen goes down the 
well, followed by the others. Noah is the last. The chorus is repeated 
over and over until it dies away in the distance) 

PROF. — (When the singing has nearly died away, enters from house 
loaded down with books and papers. Listens a moment) What? Do 
I hear someone singing? Where can it be? (X to well and looks down, 
then listens with head on one side) Can I believe mine ears? 'Tis 
voices in far-away China? What divine music? They are singing in 
English, too! Bidding good-bye to some one. Oh would that I might 
have a farewell like that! But what do I care? This great achievement 
is enough for me. (Listens again) They are so far away I cannot hear 

13 



what they say but I will hear them near at hand, yes, tonight! (Exit 
slowly and thoughtfully C. going R. as the curtain falls.) CURTAIN. 

ACT II. 

SCENE:— Garden of McWang's Palace.. Garden setting. Palms and 
flowers. Nail keg down C. Sign: "Keep off the Grass," R. U. Japanese 
lanterns can be hung here andthere.. Do not light them with candles — 
too much danger from fire. Use electric lights in them for the best ef- 
fect. A large Jap umbrella hung in C would add to the scene.. Lights 
up. Time: Afternoon. 

When the curtain rises, the Ever Green Band is arranged in a semi- 
circle U. C. and is playing some popular air discordantly. The playing 
should be as bad as possible without losing the tune.. Pum Dum, the 
leader, stands in front of them directing in a burlesque manner. They 
finish and Pum Dum w^ith a great flourish strikes an attitude,. If an 
encore is arranged for, it will give an opportunity for comedy business 
in turning music, ect. 

McWANG — (Is seated on keg down C. very much disgusted. He jumps 
and makes a wry face every time the bass drum is hit hard but he does 
not look at band. Still faces the audience while addressing Pum Dum. 
All of his lines in the play are spoken in a whining, squeaky voice) Who*s 
the leader of this despised mob? 

PUM DUM— I have the honor, your Highness. (Bows low) 

McWANG — You have, eh? I'm glad someone claims it. 

PUM DUM — I am proud of it, your Highness. (Bows) 

McWANG — I'm glad you are. You're welcome to it. 

PUM DUM — Many thanks, your Highness. (Bows) 

McWANG- — Don't mention it. Say, that bunch must be exhausted 
after this effort so take 'em all ou and set 'em up at the expense of the 
Sub-Province.. 

PUM DUM — You are very kind, your Highness. (Bows) 

McWANG — That's all right but the next time they get taken this way, 
just steer 'em over to Elsewhere and let 'em play for the Prince. That 
town needs something to wake it up and may be the Prince can reward 
you better than I can. 

PUM DUM — Thank you for the suggestion, your Highness. (Bows, 
waves baton and leads the band as it marches, single file, down around 
McWang and exuents awkwardly L. U. to the beat of the drum) 

McWANG — (Pause) Here's a pickle — a sour pickle at that! Why did 
I ever consent to be High Mogul of such a crazy realm as this? If ever 
I get out of here with enough left of me to be called McWang, I'll glue 
myself fast to some rock for safekeeping. (Blows shrill whistle. Pause) 
Now I wonder if that blooming hired man heard that fleeting breath of 
mine, or will I be called on to gurgle a few more? (Sighs) Here I am, 
the high and mighty ruler of the Sub-Province , of Elsewhere and a mutt 
of a job it is! No one really honors me, they don't even respect me. Oh, 
I'm about as useful as 

SAMBO — (Enters R. Skips down to R. of McWang and salutes him in 
a ridiculous manner. He always salutes McWang before speaking to 
him) 

McWANG — Well, you dispenser of gloom, what do you want? 

SAMBO — (Stands several feet to R. of McWang and makes exaggerated 
motion with his lips as though whispering)" 

McWANG — Well, what in time do you think you are doing? 

SAMBO — (Whispering again) 

McWANG — Don't stand there working your face like that. Come, 
speak out like a man. 

14 



SAMBO — (Glides over to McWang and stooping down, whispers In 
his ear) 

McWANG^ — (Gives the most serious attejition) Punctured your voice 
have you? 

SAMBO— (Nods) 

McWANG— Serves you right. You had no business going over to Else- 
where any way. After this, stay in your own yard. 

SAMBO — (Whispers in McWang's ear) 

McWANG — (Shakes head) She isn't worth the sacrifice, no matter 
if she has a triple extract smile. No wonder it punctured your voice. 
Why a smile like, that would phase even (Local). It's about time for the. 
mail to be disturbed. (Rise) You hike down to the post office and see 
what you can find. About! Face! March! 

SAMBO— (Skips out R.) 

McWANG— -(Follows Sambo a few steps. Pause, disgusted) Look at 
'em! Look at 'im. The. knee-sprung, double-jointed jumping jack! He's 
but a fair sample of all of 'em around here even if I did import him from 
Africa. Comes down C. and takes seat on keg in dejected manner) This 
job spells trouble and nothing else. I sometimes think that my troubles 
will be too much for me. The worst of all is that elderly maiden sister 
of the Prince's. Here I have promised to marry her so I might "Linger 
Longer Lou'' on the near side of this job and now life is not worth liv- 
ing. 

SAMBO — (Enter R. Has large official letter with red seal in L. hand. 
Skips down to R. of McWang and whispers in his ear. Then stands erect 
with letter held aloft in L. Hand) 

McWANG — A message, from the Prince? 

SAMBO— (Nods) 

McWANG — Let's have it!. (Has to jump to reach lettef) r^onder 
why the Princd' writes to me? This isn't salary day. Sambo Sam, fade 
away, fade far away, that I may peruse the contents of this in solitude. 

SAMBO — Salutes and skips out R. U.) 

McWANG — (Opens and reads letter) "Province of Elsewhere, China, 
May 6.— 
High Mogul McWang, 

SubProvince of Elsewhere, China. 
My Dear McWANG: — 

Congratulations are in order! I have just married three young and 
beautiful dam — (Pause long enough to turn letter over, then continues) 
sels. You'll find the cigars at (Local). Go in and get three. By the 
way, how are you and my dear sister getting along? If you had half the 
gall I have, you would have closed that deal long ago. (Starts in sur- 
prise) Yours in haste. CHUNG CHING CHANG, 

Prince of Elsewhere.'' 

I knew it would come, to this. I can't marry that aged piece of bric- 
a-brac now, for there's nothing in it. She would be a hundred and twelve 
in the shade before she can influence those three wives to allow the 
Prince to favor me before their numerous relations. (Bows head and 
weeps) 

WATANNA— YUNNAN— ONOTA—TU TU— (Enter L. in single file, 
taking little quick steps with faces towards audience and body bent 
alightly forward. They carry mediurri size Jap fans, held open with both 
hands and the base of the fan bejieath the chin. Arranging themselves 
in a line along the L. sideo f stage they kneel and bow down. In making 
the bow, the hands are held upright on a level with the head, the open 
fan in R. hand. The body is then bent slowly forward until the head 

15 



and hands touch the floor at the same time. The hands should be each 
about one foot from the head when they reach the floor) 

McWANG — (Looks at the Maids a moment) What do you mean by 
breaking in on my soliloquy? 

MAIDS — (Continue to bow) 

McWANG — What's the matter? Are you the (Local) taking gymnastic 
exercises? 

MAIDS — (Rise to knees. They speak rapidly and follow one another 
in quick succession) 

ONOTA — Oh, Mr. McWang, we got lonesome and came into the gar- 
den to see you. 

WATANNA — We're awfully lonesome and awfully anxious to see you. 

TU TU — Yes, just awfully anxious. 

McWANG— Why thus anxiousness? 

YUNNAN^Can't we go to the Women's Continuous Talkmg Union's 
Thimble Bee this afternoon? 

McWANG — This afternoon? 

ONOTA — Yes, we want to go so bad. 

McWANG — Well, I don't know 

TU TU^ — It only costs fifteen cents. 

McWANG — Can't you get a party rate.? 

WATANNA — Why fifteen cents isn't much. People squander more than 
that at a church sociable sometimes. 

McWANG — That's a vile prevarication! 

TU TU — Please, Mr. McWang, let us go! 

ONOTA — Yes do. That's a dear! 

McWANG — I use you all well, don't I? 

MAIDS— Yes! Yes! 

McWANG — And you fully appreciate what I have done? 

MAIDS — Of course we do! We appreciate everything. 

McWANG — Have I ever kept you from working more than enough to 
earn your board at the Palace? 

MAIDS— Never! Never! Never! 

McWANG — Then can't you be good little girls and stay at home for 
just one day? 

YUNNAN — But this Thimble Bee is a special occasion, don't you 
know ? 

TU TU — And we're just dying to go! 

McWANG — Well, I hope it won't come to that. 

YUNNAN — We surely will if we don't go. 

ONOTA— That's a dear! Do let us go! 

WATANNA — Oh please! please, let us go! 

McWANG — (Pause) After giving it my most profound consideration, 
I guess you can. 

MAIDS — (Clapping hands) Goody! Goody! You're just the dearest, 
the loveliest man! 

McWANG — (Holds up hand) Nay, nay, gush not! 

MAIDS— (Hold out L. hand) 

McWANG-— (Pause) Oh I see, you want the wherewithal. 

MAIDS — (Nod) Our fifteen cents please. 

McWANG — I HAD forgotten that little detail. (Slaps himself as 
thdugh feeling for his money. Pause) Well, you'll find eighty-five cents 
in the foreign missionary box upstairs. Take it and blow in the whole 
business. 

MAIDS — (Clapping hands) Oh thank you ever so much. 

McWANG — Yes, take it all. I won't have any use for money after this. 

MAIDS — No use for money? Why, what's the matter? 

16 



McWANG — Haven't you heard about it? 

MAIDS — (Shake heads) No, of course not! 

McWANG — (Motion to Maids) Then take seats in the bald headed 
row and I will tell you all about it, 

MAIDS — (Rise and sit on stage, two on each side of McWang. Oonta 
on extreme L.) 

McWANG — (Looks from one side to the other) Are you all set? 

WAT ANN A^ — (Waves hand) Ring up! Let the show begin! 

McWANG — Then listen carefully and remember girls, this must be 
confidential. 

MAIDS — (Shake heads slowly) We won't tell a soul! (Crossing 
hearts) Cross our hearts, we won't! 

McWANG — (Aside) That settles it. Everyone in town will know it in 
half an hour. (Aloud) Well, girls, I'm permanently engaged and don't 
want to get married. 

MAIDS— That's too bad! 

McWANG — (Weeps) It's more her fault than mine, too. She egged 
me on to my own destruction and now I must suffer in silence. 

ONOTA — There, don't cry. Who is the horrid thing? 

McWANG — I blush to confess it's — it's — it's Nakoda. (Cries aloud) 

MAIDS— (Holding up hands) That old freak? 

McWANG— (Nods) Ye-es. 

MAIDS — No wonder you don't want to marry her! 

TU TU — Why, no one wants to marry her. 

WATANNA— I should say not! 

McWANG — I know I don't. 

YUNNAN — I can't see how you'll get out of it. If you are engaged, 
you MUST get married. 

ONOTA — Or pay for breach of promise. 

McWANG--Don't talk about money. That's out of the question. 

WATANNA — Don't worry. You can get out of it and it won't cost you 
anything. 

ONOTA— How, I'd like to know? 

TU TU— How, I'd like to know? 

TU TU— Yes, so would I. 

McWANG — (With emphasis) And so would I. 

WATANNA — Send a nice little note to Nakoda, declining the invita- 
tion. 

McWANG— The very thing! Why didn't I think of that before? My 
dear girl, you deserve a Carnegie medal. 

SAMBO — (Enters R. Skips down to R. of Onota and salutes) 

McWANG-— Here, Sambo Sam, you go and tell Nakoda that our mar- 
riage is indefinitely postponed. 

SAMBO — (Grins and whispers) 

McWANG — Don't delay the game? Get out! 

SAMBO — (Exits L. Almost falls over himself in his haste.) 

McWANG — (Half aside) That takes a great load from off my mind. 
(Aloud) Now girls, you go and tell the cook to make some chopsuej 
and frescoe some chicken for supper and then you can go to the scandal 
bee. 

MAIDS — (Jump up quickly) 

YUNNAN — And we'll make you some peanut sandwiches when we get 
back. 

TU TU — And some maple fudge. 

McWANG — Don't prepare too much for I may never eat it. No telling, 
I may be a dead one even before you get back, but trot along, have a 
good time just the same. 

17 



WAT ANNA— Oh, you'll make it all right. 

MAIDS— We know you will. (They exuent L. U. in the same man- 
ner as they entered) 

W^ATANNA — (The last to exit L. U., lingers as she goes out and while 
speaking to McWang, coquettishly holds her fan to her face) If you 
really want to get married, it might do to look around a little. (Exit 
L. U.) 

McWANG — (Surprised, jumps up and starts to follow. Speaks excited- 
ly) Oh, this is so sudden! (Stops and tragically feels for his heart in 
several places) Be still my flittering, fluttering heart, be still! (Turna 
and struts L. U.) 

NAKODA— (As McWang reaches . L. U., speaks off L. U. in rough 
voice) Out of my way you frivolous creatures! 

McWANG — (In fear runs down C, speaking earnestly) There comes 
Nakoda, the snakey old charmer! Oh, would that Doc (Local) were here 
to put her in quarantine! 

NAKODA — YUM^ — (Enter L. U. Nakoda strides in and Yum follows, 
taking the little short steps. Nakoda carries her fan closed while Yum 
holds her open underneath her chin. Nakoda takes position on Mc- 
Wang's R. with Yum on her R. and majestically begin) Villain, you have 
deceived me! 

McWANG — What, I? (Points to himself) 

NAKODA — ^Yes, you! Do you care nothing for the bonds of love? 

McWANG — Bonds? Bonds of love? What do they sell for now? " 

YUM — He's trying to make fun of you. Jump on him with both feet! 

NAKODA — (Aside to Yum) I will. (To McWang) Come now, none of 
your nonsense! Am I to be thus thrown down after I have encouraged 
your caresses for so many years? 

McWNAG — (Sits on keg) It looks like it. 

YUM — (Aside to Nakoda) Stand for your rights. Don't let his bluff 
you. 

NAKODA — Leave it to me. Approaches McWang slowly and threat- 
eningly) 

McWANG— (Crouches in fear as Nakoda advances) 

NAKODA — You blood thirsty scoundrel! 

McWANG — (Aside) She knows me. 

NAKODA — What excuse have you to give for this sudden change of 
heart? Have you no thought of my loneliness in the cold, cold world? 
Do you know what it means to be (In hollow voice) alone? Alone! Alone! 

McWANG- — (Imitating her tone of voice) No, not now. 

NAKODA — (Puts arms about McWang's neck) 

McWANG — (Crouches in fear at first, but his face soon broadens into 
a smile and he strokes her hands tenderly. When she speaks he appears 
to be very much affected) 

NAKODA — (In broken voice) Oh, Wangy darling, what is the cause 
of all this thusness? Speak to me about it. Perhaps I can illl the aching 
void that's in your heart. 

McWANG — Kiddy dear, like George Washington and (Local) I must 
tell the truth. It is with sedulous fidelity that I adhere to the high 
standard of veracity set by those illustrious men. Did you know that 
your brother, the Prince, has just married three young and beautiful 
damsels? 

NAKODA — Three damsels, did you say? 

McWANG — Well, that's what he called them. 

NAKODA— No, I didn't know it. But that's his business and not ours. 
What has it got to do with us? 

18 



McWANG — Very muchly. No doubt, they have all got many relations 
i/^rho will be after this job. 

NAKODA— Well, what of that? 

McWANG — That will put me in the "Bread line." 

NAKODA— What's that to us? 

McWANG — A married life in which neither party has a steady job 
is not to be thought of. 

NAKODA — (Taking arms from about his neck) Three damsels can't 
have so very many relatives. Take heart for it might have been worse. 
A. ladies' man like my brother, might have married four or five. 

McWANG — (Aside) She don't know that three of a kind beat two 
pair. 

NAKODA — What's that you are saying? 

McWANG — I said they all had beautiful hair. 

NAKODA— What do I care about their hair? The question is — do you 
absolutely refuse to marry me? 

McWANG — Much as I regret to say it, it's out of the question for you 
and 1 to do the Lohengrin march together. 

NAKODA — Oh, woe is me! And the hired girl has learned to play 
it on purpose for the wedding. (Weeps on Yum's shoulder.) 

YUM — (Indignantly) And I won't have a chance to trim the back 
parlor with potted plants and cut flowers. I spent two whole days plan- 
ning the color scheme. If you don't do him now (Throws Nakoda off) 
you're not the woman I take you to be. 

NAKODA — I will take yur advice. (Rushes at McWang) You low- 
lifed, good-for-nothing scamp! 

SAMBO — (Enters L. U. Has razor concealed in back of shirt. Stand 
trembling L. U.) 

McWANG — (Slips from keg and runs on hands and feet to L. where 
he crouches in abject fear) / 

(Follows McWang, talking furiously) I'll have a cross-section made, 
of your windpipe for microscopical inspection. Trifle with my affections 
will you? Yu'U be beheaded before tomorrow morning! Sambo Sam 
shall begin sharpening the meat cleaver! 

SAMBO— (Nearly collapses) 

NAKODA — (Tragically and more slowly) Between now and tomor- 
row's sun prepare your valedictory! (Goes L. U. with long tragic strides. 
Strikes at Sambo with he.r fan as she passes him) 

SAMBO — (Ducks under f^n) 
, NAKODA— (Exits L. U.) 

YUM — (Shakes her closed fan at McWang) You deserve it, every bit 
and I'll help at the funeral. (Exit L. U. with little quick steps) 

McWANG — You've got the wrong number! Ring off! (Sees Sambo and 
sneaks over to him) Shadow them closely, niy Sherlock Holmes, but be 
very careful. Both their trollies are disconnected. 

SAMBO — ^( Takes out his large, razor and sneaks out L. U. with long 
stealthy steps) 

McWANG — (Pause)^It's all off now and I'm the goat! Nakoda is a 
fair sample of the modern woman and means business. (Reflecting) This 
execution will be hard on me.. I never was beheaded before and besides 
I am not prepared to die. (Crosss himself and sits gloomily on keg.) 

WATANNA— YUNNAN— ONOTA—TU TU— (Enter L. U. in same man- 
ner as before and bow down three times) 

McWANG — (Looks at Maids indifferently as they are bowing) Now 
my dears, don't exercise yourselves on my account. 

MAIDS— (Rise, to knees) 

19 



WATANNA — (Gushingly) Oh, Mr. McWang, we want to thank you so 
much? 

McWANG— Don't mention it! 

MAIDS — (Come to McWang and sit two on each side of his as before) 

TU TU — (After Maids are seated) It was so good of you! 

ONOTA — How can we ever repay you? 

McWANG — Say, what on earth are you talking about? 

MAIDS— Why, the Thimble Bee! 

McWANG — Oh yes, I do remember now. Can it be possible you are 
back so soon? 

MAIDS— (Nod) Uh-huh! 

ONOTA— And we had just a LOVELY time! 

TU TU— All the ice cream we could eat! 

YUNNAN— And LOTS and LOTS of angel food! 

McWANG — Angel food! (Aside) I'll need some of that before long. 

YUNNAN — There wasn't a man there except (Local and (Local). 

McWANG — Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow will be sad. 

WATANNA — What do you mean? 

McWANG — I'll never eat any more "Puffed Rice" for bre.akfast. 

YUNNAN — Why, I thought you liked it ever so much. 

McWANG — Yes, it's very nice, but how can I eat it when I am be- 
headed? 

MAIDS— Beheaded? 

McWANG — Yes, just as the sun rises in the East, as it has done sev- 
eral times before, setting aglow the cloudless sky and awakening the 
"Blooming'' English sparrow in his leafy bower 

TU TU — Then old Nakoda has done her worst? (Starts to cry softly) 

McWANG— Yes, I think she has. 

MAIDS— (Burst out crying) Oh! Oh! Dear! Dear! Etc. 

McWANG — There, there, there, there, don't cry! You'll wash your 
sweet complexions off. 

MAIDS — But we don't want you to die. 

McWANG — Neither do I. 

ONOTA— (Tearfully) Can't you get a substitute? 

McWANG— -This is an important event and. no proxies will be allowed. 

SAMBO — (Skips in R. U. Has large, official document with red seal 
in L. hand. Goes to R. of Onota, salutes and holds document aloft) 

McWANG — (With great effort reaches document) A state message 
from the Prince! (Sits on keg and unfolds it. A note falls out. Picks 
up note, quickly and opens it) What's this? (Looks it over) Aha! 
Nakoda's petition to the Prince. (Reads it to himself) 

MAIDS — Make several unsuccessful attempts to see writing) 

McWANG — Sambo Sam, await my order! Girls, if he tries to make, an 
end run, tackle low! 

SAMBO — (Keeps position on Onota's R.) 

McWANG — My dears, shall I read aloud Nakoda's latest literary ef- 
fort? 

MAIDS — Yes, yes, of course! We are just dying to hear! 

McWANG— I don't doubt that (Reads note) 

"Sub-Province of Elsewhere, May 6, 

Dear Brothers: 

It appears that my honeymoon with McWang is totally eclipsed. He 
had indefinitely postponed our marriage. Better dead than alive, he 
should be decapitated. I insist on an execution taking place before sun- 
rise, tomorrow, I am. 

Lovingly in haste, NAKODA." 

(Half aside) And there you are! 

20 



YUNNAN— (Tearfully) It's just dreadful! 

TU TU— (Crying) Awful! Awful! 

WAT ANNA — (Crying) I shall never forgive her. 

MAIDS — (Cry aloud) Oh! Oh! Dear! Dear! Etc. 

McWANG — (Shouts) Hold on! Hold on! Don't you want to hear the 
second edition? 

MAIDS — (Stop crying and nod heads) Oh yes, the postscript is always 
the best part. 

McWANG — Then listen to this. (Reads postscript) "P. S. Kindly con- 
sider me an applicant as High Mogulless of the Sub-Province of Else- 
where, when McWang's place is made vacant. KODDY'' (Aside) What 
do you think of that? 

I/IAIDS— (Crying) Oh! Oh! Dear! Dear! Etc. 

McWANG — Say, will you quit that tearfulness! The obsequies haven't 
taken place yet. Listen to this prize composition. (Reads documnet) 

"Province of Elsewhere, China,- May 6 

High Mogul McWang, 

Sub-Province of Elsewhere, China. 

Dear McWang: 

Enclosed you will discover a tender and business like epistle from sis- 
ter" (Aside) I discovered it. (Reads) "You, it seems are the object 
of her wrath. She is so angry this time that she, suggests that you be 
beheaded. An execution is emphatically insisted on but notice, she does- 
not design you exactly. In view of that technical mistake, a substitute 
might Be in order, I am. 

Yours in official haste, 

CHUNG CHING CHANG, 

Prince of Elsewhere." 

(Pleased) Aha! Aha! Ahem! 

YUNNAN — (Clasping hands together) There you are, Mr. McWang!. 
You can have a substitute! 

WAT ANNA— Oh, I'm so glad! 

McWANG— (Puts L. hand to his heart and then extends the arm as 
though stretching an elastic string. Wih forefinger of he R. hand he 
plays upon the imaginary heart strings) Although it tears out my very 
heart strings, Yunnan, I appoint you as my substitute. (Smiles upon Yun- 
nan) 

YUNNAN — (Quickly) Oh, I can't accept. I'm too busy at school. Be- 
sides Mamma and I have my graduation dress on my hands. 

McWANG — I'm both surprised and grieved to know that you won't 
do such a trifling thing for me. Watanna, won't you accept the honor? 

WAT ANN A— (Quickly) My, but I haven't the time! You know I have 
an encore at school each afternoon. 

ONOTA — (Clasping hands together) Let Sambo Sam officiate. 

SAMBO— (Starts to go) 

ONOTA — (Catches Sambo by leg and holds him) 

SAMBO — (Whispers to Onota excitedly) 

ONOTA— (Nods and smiles) He says he is anxious to do ANYTHNIG 
for you. 

McWANG— (Without looking at Sambo) Sambo Sam, will you act 
as my substitute for only just this once? 

SAMBO — (Protests with whispers and gestures) 

ONOTA — (Holds Sambo securely) 

McWANG — Pause a moment) Silence gives consent. Thanks, old man* 
thanks. (Bows and looks at Sambo) 

SAMBC — (Whispers and gestures again) 

21 



McWANG — Oh, don't mention it! For this brave deed you shall be 
rewarded, if not now^ at some time in the future. 

SAMBO— (Falls on knees and raises hands in prayer) 

MAIDS— McWANG — (Sing to tune: "Go Tell Aunt Rhoda Her Old 
Gray Goose Is Dead.") "Cut his head off! Cut his head off! Cut his head 
off! Head off! Short!" 

(The word "short" is spoken quickly in unison and not sung. As the 
word is spoken, the Maids and McWang make motion as though slash- 
ing their threats and make a short gutteral sound) 

ONOTA — (At the same time "short'' is spoken, punches Sambo in side 
with her closed fan) 

SAMBO — (Falls over, raises one leg and kicks it violently. All this 
business must be done with snap to be effective) 

McWANG — Saved at last! 

Quick Curtain. 

ACT III. 

SCENE: — The Royal Prison. Prison setting. Door L. U. Two com- 
mon benches. One R. U. and one L. U. A wooden block down C. Broken 
lunch baskets etc. scattered about. Noah's tinware is all smashed and 
lies in a heap before him. A heavy bell strikes twelve and the curtain 
rises on the seventh stroke. Lights down. Time: Night. 

0'HANG^(On guard at th door L. U. Snoring) 

PUPILS — (Some seated on floor and some on benches. All are very 
much dejected in appearance and the girls are wiping theil* eyes. Their 
clothes are awry, hair mussed up, etc.) 

WILL — (On bench with head bowed. After pause, suddenly slaps knee 
and speaks loudly) Well, don't this beat the Dutch? It's SOME picnic 
all right! 

PHALEN — A crazier one than I ever dreamed of. 

NOAH— And I guess it isn't over yet. ( Pause) Say, folks, look at my 
tinware! (Kicks it with his foot) All shot to pieces! 

VERA — (In low tone) Hush! Do be careful, Noah, you'll wake that 
old guard. 

NOAH — Aw, you can't wake him. He's dead to the world — been that 
way for half an hour. 

PHALEN — Don't suppose we could rap him on the head and make , 
our get away? |1 

WILL — Nix on that! We don't want to take any such chances. 

NOAH — Naw, nothing to that. W^re in here for keeps and have got 
to take our medicine. 

ADA — (I wish I was home. Mamma will be just wild. She always 
expects me home for supper. 

RETTA — I'm papa's favorite daughter and I know it will kill him if 
they never find me. 

PHALEN— It's tough all right. 

NOAH — Gee, and that lunch had to get all smashed too, in the fall. 

ADA — We can get along without the lunch but I DO wish I was home. 
(Wipes eyes) 

PHALEN — (To Ada) There, cheer up! We may come out all right yet. 
You can't help things by crying about them. 

ALLEGRETTI — (Has been brushing himself and arranging his tie and 
clothes) Yaas, chap, I hope so — hope we may come out all right — but 
my clothes are all ruined and I wouldn't like to go back looking like this. 
Wonder if they have good tailors over heah? 

NOAH— (Aside) He's a nut! 

WILL — Don't know anything about their tailors but the laundries ought 
to be good. 

22 



ALLEGRETTI— (Still looking himself over, feels of himself) I feel 
that I must have hit something besides the. lunch when I fell. 

NOAH — (Indicates tinware) May be you struck my tinware. (Pause, 
feels in pocket) No, it must have been the sardines. (Takes out bat- 
tered can and shakes it, then feels inpocket) There's not a blooming 
one left. 

MA iT^ (Looking tenderly at Allegretti) Mr. Smythe, I feel almost as 
broken up as you ao. I aon't suppose crying WiLL do any good but I 
just can't help it. (Cries) 

RHODA — \ve may stay here all our lives. The folks won't know where 
we are. They never will think of looking for us in China. 

CARRIE — Oh, yes they will! Professor Low will tell thean. 

MiLLiE — Why, does he know we came? 

PHALiEN — I should say he doesn't. 

NOAH — The secret is all our own. 

ALLEGRETTI— Is that right, old chap? 

NOAH — Sure it's right. 

ALLniGRETTI — i thought of course that he knew or I wouldn't have 
come. 

NuAH — (Aside) Can you beat him? 

WINNA — The way it has all turned out, he should have been told about 
our trip and then we would never have gotten into ail this trouble. 

MILLIE — We couldn't have come at ail if he knew about it. 

NOaH — Who started this thing aliyway? 

VEkA — (Quickly) Why, Retta was the first to suggest it. 

RjiiTTA — 1 know I did but the rest of you seemed giad enough to ac- 
cept the suggestion. You are just as much to biame as I am. if every- 
thing had turned out all right, I guess none of you would have com- 
plained. 

Vvli^L — That's right. 

ALLEGRETTI — But I never would have thought of such a thing by 
myself don't you know. 

NOAH— Guess you're right. 

PHALEN — Never mind, folks, how we happened to start. We are 
here and that's all there is to it. 

MAY — And I feel sure somebody will find out where we are and come 
to our rescue. 

NuAH — Just like as not they won't find out. The Chinese are strong 
on keeping secrets and I don't know the exact location of our present 
abode myself. 

ADA — You are no worse off than the rest of us — none of us know 
where we are. 

PHALEN — We are in jail that's dead certain! 

NOAH — Didn't I tell you "I dreamt I dwelt in marble, halls but when 
I awoke it was a Cell?'' 

WILL — Your nightmare has come true. 

ALLEGRETTI— Oh that's good, awfully good! . 

NOAH— Shut up! 

RETTA — Can't somebody suggest a real plan to get out of here and 
get back home? 

CARRIE— I think 

NOAH — (Breaking in) This is no time to think. We must scheme 
and scheme good and hard. 

PHALEN — Let's go back to the time when we landed. 
NOAH — "Dropped in" you mean. 

PHALEN — (Not heeding Noah) Whaf's that old fellow's name who or- 
dered us put in this hole? He seemed to be sort of a dignitatus. 

23 



WINNA — (Begins studying her History) 

MILLIE — I know he. must be some high official or he wouldn't dare do 
-what he has done. 

NOAH — Aw, I don't know! Why even the city police are pretty brave 
sometimes. 

PHALEN — He was all fuss and feathers and no mistake. 

WILL — And give, it to him for being wise enough to get all of us. Non 
of the guilty escaped. 

NOAH — And he could talk "United States.'' Give him credit for that,j 

too. 

ADA — But what's his name? That's what we want to know. 

MAY — Didn't the natives call him Mr. Lang, Mr. Sang or some name 
like that? 

WILL — They did call him something but they may have been swear-^ 
ing for all I could understand. 

ADA — Doesn't the Chinese language sound just dreadful? 

RHODA — It must be something awful going to school over here an 
studying Chinese grammar. I know I never could pass it. 

WINNA — (Clapping hands) Eureka! I have found it! 

PUPILS— Found what? 

WINNA — Listen to this! (Reads) "The only American to ever rule in 
China is High Mogul McWang, the present ruler of the Sub-Province of 
Elsewhere. He came to the country some twenty years ago as a tourist 
and at once became popular with the. Prince of Elsewhere. Having been 
offered the position of High Mogul of this Sub-Province^_he gave up his 
wanderings and accepted the office." There we are! 

NOAH — And here we are! 

AI^LEGRETTI — (Reflecting) Twenty years ago! Oh deah, what a long 
time! 

WXLL — Kind of a life's job it seems to me. 

ALLEGRETTI — Yaas, old chap, that's what I said. 

ADA — If that history is correct, we must be in Elsewhere, China. 

WINNA — Why, of course we are — that is, in one of its Sub-Provinces 
— and» that's about the, same thing. 

RETTA — (Drying her eyes) I feel better already now that we know 
where we are. ■ 

VERA — Knowing where we are won't help the folks find us though. J 

NOAH — Guess you are right on that. A lot of good it will do us to 
know where we are. 

ADA— (Quickly) Why couldn't we send a wireless? 

MAY — That's the best idea yet! Why didn't wa think of that before?. 

PHALEN — Nothing to that. Who can you get to send it? 

MAY — Why — why — I never thought of that. 

NOAH — Folks, I tell you, there's no use talking, we're here for keeps. 

RETTA — (Crying) Oh dear! I'm getting worse again. 

GIRLS — (Start to wipe eyes again) 

WILL — Now you girls stop that crying and sniffling. We might just 
as well be sensible and take things as they are. I'm sure, we'll get away 
somehow so let's not worry any more. 

VERA — That sounds nice, to take things as they are, but it don't help 
us one bit. 

RHODA — That old guard is asjeep! Can't someone creep up to him 
carefully and steal his keys? 

PHA.LEN — Now don't talK foolish. It won't do to interfere with an 
officer, you know. I found that out last Hallowe'en. 

ALLEGRETTI— Steal his keys? That would do no good. We couldn't 
get back through the palace anyway. I just know I couldn't. 

24 



NOAH — No one suspected that. 

WILL — In here we are safe from the natives and that is some con- 
solation. I thought at first the mob would kill us. The. way they howled 
and kow-towed made my hair stand on end. 

ADA — May be they always act that way. 

ALLEGRETTI — Yaas, may be that's only a Chinese custom. 

CARRIE — Just look at that old guard! I wonder why they have such 
horrid looking guards in prisons? 

WINNA — It wouldn't be a prison if everything was nice. 

NOAH — (Chuckling) Wonder if old Marky made the trip? The'yd 
scare him to death. 

RETTA — I do hope he doesn't come. 

CARRIE — I hope he does for as far as I can see that's our only HOPE. 

RETTA— But they might kill him! 

MILLIE— (Shudders) Wouldn't that be awful! 

WINNA— Terrible ! 

NOAH — Oh, I don't know. I'd give anything just to see him making 
a dash for liberty with High Mogul, what's his name, as a close second. 
(Laughs loudly.) 

BOYS— (Laugh loudly) 

O'HANG- — (Rubs eyes and begins to awake) 

PHALEN— ^ru bet a dollar against money, chalk or marbles that he'd 
make better time than he did last spring when he tried to hold that high 
grade Jersey calf by the tail. 

BOYS— Laugh loudly) 

O'HANG — (Awakes) Here, you fellows, stop talking! It's aginst the 
rules of this here jail. Can't ye let a man go to slape? 

NOAH — It was reported that you were asleep. 

O'HANG — The report is false. I hadn't got that far yit. Can yez tell 
me phat toime it is? 

VERA — It just struck twelve. 

ALLEGRETTI— (Gloomily) About an hour ago. 

O'HANG — (Licking his lips) Have any of yes got a bottle? 

MAY — (Swee.tly) I bought a bottle of horseradish, but it got all bro- 
ken up. 

O'HANG — (Disgusted) Phat kind of a ham do yez take me for? 

NOAH — (Aside) An Irish joke. 

O'HANG — If you chaps are going to talk all night, give me the last 
call for breakfast. I'm going to slape. (Soon begins to snore.) 

VERA — (Short pause) Isn't he hard-hearted? We could just cry our 
eyes out and he wouldn't mind it one bit. 

NOAH — Aw, he gets use to this prison business. BesiCies, this is a 
crowd one wouldn't care to be in long, if he could help it. He prefers to 
be in the Land of Nod. 

RHODA — You are almost as bad as he is. I don't think it's one. bit 
appropriate or nice to make jokes when one is in jail. 

WINNA — Say, folks, the guard talks English 

NOAH— Almost. 

WINNA — (Not heeding Noah) May be he could intercede for us. 

MAY — He wears clothes just like the policeman at home and now 
that I look at him carefully, he isn't so hard looking. I know he could 
help us if he would. 

CARRY- We might bribe him. 

MILLIE— Yes, you boys try it. 

NOAH— What with? 

MILLIE— Why, with money of course! 

NOAH — Bet there isn't a dollar in the crowd. 

25 



BOYS — (Feel in their pockets and look glum) 

NOAH- — (Takes out nickle) I've got a nickel. 

PHALEN — (Takes out coins) Here's a quarter (Counts money) and 
six cenis. 

WILL — (Takes out coins and counts them) I've got twelve cents — 
let's see- — that makes forty-eight cents. 

ALLEGRETTI — Here's four cents more, old chap. 

WILL — Fifty-two cents. You couldn't even bribe a Freshman with 
that! 

McWANG — (Knocks loudly at door L. tJ.) 

PUPILS— (Look frightened) 

McWANG— (Short pause then knocks again) 

PHALEN — To O'Hang) Hi there! Some one wants to get in. 

RETTA — (Crowds close to others) Do you think they are coming to 
kill us? 

McWANG — (Knocks again) 

RETTA — They act desperate. (Begins to cry) 

ADA — (Crying) Oh, I DO wish I was home! 

PHALEN — (Disgusted) Now girls, don't cry until you are hurt. Brace 
up and make the best of things. 

McWANG — (Knocks again) 

PHALEN — Now, listen to me. All bow down like this, when whoever 
he is, comes in. (Makes bow like Maids in ACT II) All the natives kept 
bobbiUg up and down like that, you know, when we passed them. In our 
present position we can't show too much respect. 

PUPILS — (Bow awkwardly a few times) 

BILLIE — (Excitedly) Oh dear, I wish we had some time to practice. 
I know I can't bob just right. (Bows once or twice awkardly) 

IvicWANG — (Knocks much longer and louder) 

ALLEGRETTI — (Goes to O'Hang and gently touches him on the shoul- 
der) Wake up! Wake up! Somebody's knocking. Don't you hear it, 
old chap, don't you hear it? 

O'HANG — (Half awake) Phat's the matter wid yez? 

ALLEGRETTI^ — Somebody is knocking at the door. 

O'HANG — (Sleepily) Let 'em knock! Phat do I care? I won't git 
up fer any wan at this toime of noight. 

McWANG^ — (Knocks again, light pause) You guard in there! What's 
the mater with you? Open this door? 

O'HANG — Fer the love of Mike, it's the boss! (Jumps up and opens 
door L. U.) 

McWANG — (Enters L. U. angrily) 

PUPILS — (Start bowing awkwardly up and down) 

McWANG — (To O'Hang) What's the matter with you anyway? 

O'HANG— Nothing at all, sor. 

McWANG — Humph, you can't fool me? If you go into another hyp- 
notic sleep like that again, I'll discharge you. 

O'HANG — I won't do it again, sor. (Locks door L. U.) 

Iic\. ANG — (Turns and sees pupils, pauses a moment in disgust) Here, 
stop that! Stop that! (To O'Hang) Did you tell them to do that? 

O'HANG — No, sor. I didn' know hey could do it, at all, sor. 

McWANG — Well, somebody must have told them. 

O'HANG— I didn't do it, sor. 

McWANG — Turns to pupils and yells) Stop it, I tell you! 

PUPILS— (Cease bowing) 

McWANG— Can't I go anywhere or do anything but people must half 
stand on their heads about it? 

NOAH — (Aside) We're in for it sure! 

26 



McWANG — Get those curvatures out of your spines and let me look 
at you. 

PUPILS— (Rise to knees) 

McWANG — (Looks pupils over slowly) You're a warm looking bunch 
you are! About the worse looking tourists I ever saw and I've seen a 
lot of 'em. 

VERA— We're not tourists. We're pupils from Profess6r Low's Lac- 
teal Institute. That's in America, you know. 

McWANG— It is, eh? 

PUPILS— (Nod) Yes, sir. 

McWANG — (Pause) Are there any more at home like you? 

MAY — Yes, sir. All our folks and friends are at home. 

McWANG — Well, I'm glad you left them there. 

NOAH — (Aside) So are we. 

ADA — (Meekly and with head bowed) Please, sir, can't we go home? 

McWANG — (Goes to Ada and putting hands on knees, he stoops in a 
comical manner and peeps under her hat) My dear child, where is your 
home? 

ADA — (Slyly looking up) On the other side of the earth. 

McWANG— (Annoyed) Oh, I know that! But what town claims you? 

ADA^ — Ennyoletown, sir. 

PHALEN — We just dropped in on a friendly visit and here you have 
put us in prison, 

ALLEGRETTI — And really, old chap, we haven't done any harm — we 
really haven't. 

NOAH — (Aside) Now he'll queer things! 

McWANG — (Turns to Allegretti) What's that young man? 

ALLEGRETTI— (Frightened) I said, old chap— I " said— I said we 
didn't do any harm. 

McWANG — Didn't do any harm? (Shakes closed fan at Allegretti) 
Then let me explain it to you? You've done a lot of harm! 

PUPILS— We have? 

McWANG — Yes, you have. Some of you were found playing football 
with the sacred cabbages in the vegetable cellar of the Palace. 

O'HANG — Loikewise, also, the sacred pumpkins. 

McWANG — That is a grave offence against the Imperial State. I don't 
know how grave it is but it's very grave all right. I'm taking no 
chances, so I had you put in here for safekeeping and you'll find out 
about it later. (Pause and looks about at pupils in frowning manner) 
The punishment for such monkeyshines is sometimes death. 

O'HANG — That's roight! It means heads off! 

McWANG— Shut up! 

O'HANG — I'm shut! (Sinks down by door and soon falls asleep) 

McWANG — (To pupils) Did you hear what I said? It sometimes 
means death! 

PUPILS— (Nod slowly) 

GIRLS— (Start to cry softly) Oh dear! Oh dear! 

ALLEGRETTI— Oh deah, deah! (Takes out loud handkerchief and 
wipes eyes) 

McWANG — Who dug that hole in the cellar? 

PHALEN— We didn't, honest we didn't? 

McWANG — It seems to reach from here to nowhere. It Will take 
twenty years to fill the thing up! 

NOAH— (Aside) Took that long to dig it. 

McWANCa — How did you come here anyway? 

WILL — We came here through that hole. 

27- 



McWANG — (Looks at Will a moment) Young man, you've got some- 
thing wrong with your topnot. 

VERA — No he hasn't, sir. We did come here just that way. (To 
others) Didn't we? 

PUPILS— (Nod) Yes, we did. 

McWANG — Humph! I thought jou all looked like the folks back home 
but I didn't think you were all crazy. It's a good thing I had you locked 
up before you did any more damage, otherwise you might have been 
killed on the spot. 

GIRLS— (Cry louder) 

McWANG — (Standing among pupils, looks about) What on earth are 
you trying to do now? Drown me in lachrymal fluid? (Lifts trousers 
and walks down C. as though wading out of a sea of tears. Pause C.) 
Let me plaster up your grief. I don't want to kill you. I don't want to 
ki%. anybody. I don't even want to die myself. 

GIRLS— (Cry softly) 

NOAH — Then let us out right away. 

McWANG^Not so fast, young man, not so fast! The mills of jus- 
tice grind slowly and besides, the dignity and honor of the Sub-Province 
of Elsewhere must be maintained. The only way out of this is to appear 
before me in State. When that official meeting is over, we will consider 
what to do with you. 

O'HANG — (Snores louder than usual) 

McWANG — (Listens a moment) Someone help him over the grade. 
(Sits on block down C.) An act of Imperial kindness is to take place 
this morning, just before sunrise. You must all be there and heJp out 
with the great event. If all comes off as it should, you may possibly 
go free. 

PUPILS — (Look relieve.d — girls stop crying and listen) 

WILL — Tell us what you want and we will do our very best. 

McWANG — My only servant is to be executed. 

WILL — (Surprised) An execution? Did he commit some great crime? 

McWANG — He never did anything wrong in his life. Why he hadn't 
gall enough to play kissing games at a country sociable. 

PHALEN — Then he must have robbed a bank or something. 

McWANG — No, not even that. The story of his fate is a very tender 
little tale and it's all true. (Holds up hand) Hush, make not a single 
sound but listeai to the tal I now unfold. Some years ago I fell in love 
wlh an aged maiden. 

McWANG — (Nods) Of course. 

WINNA — A Chinese maiden? 

GIRLS — (Very much interested) Isn't that lovely! 

ALLEGRETTI — Oh, I say, old chap, congratulations. That's awfully 
nice, don't you know. 

NOAH — (Doubles up fist. Aside) I'll have to hit him yet. 

McWANG — Well, at first, I thought it was awfully nice, too. I stole 
away by myself and counted my pulse for ten whole days and each day 
I noted a rising temperature.. Then it dawned on me that to hold this 
job, I must marry her as she had a strong pull with her brother, the 
Prince. Is was sure, very sure, I was in love. Had I known then as I 
do now that it was simply stomach trouble, I might have been saved. 
(Shakes head sadly) 

MAY — Then it's a Princess you will marry! Isn't that nice! 

VERA — Just as nice as can be! 

McWANG — No! A thousand times, no! 

WINNA — But don't you really love her? 

28 



McWANG — Do I love her? Why, I dote on hej- very absence! How- 
ever, it's now impossible to marry her — never mind the reason. 

ADA — (Aside) How disappointing to her! 

McWANG — We held an extra session one day and I told her as ten- 
derly as I could that I would never buy furniture for her not even on 
the installment plan. 

PHALEN — Then she wanted to sue you for breach of promise, I sup- 
pose. That's the usual way in our country. 

NOAH — You bet! It's get married or pay up. 

MAY — That's just what any girl ought to do. 

McWANG — She didn't go as far as that. Never said a word about 
money. All she asked for was that I have, my head cut off. 

CARRIE — What a cruel woman! 

MILLIE— That was horrid! 

McWANG — Yes, and selfish, too. She never for one moment seemed 
to consider my feelings in the matter. But now as I look back, she never 
did consider me anyway. Why, I have played croquet with her for fif- 
teen consecutive summers and she never allowed me to beat once. 

WILL — She will glory in seeing your head fall, I suppose. 

McWANG — She will not have that ple.asure. The kind and thoughtful 
Prince has allowed me to appoint a substitute. 

NOAH— Say, that's lucky! 

McWANG — To show my appreciation to the Prince I did the right 
thing by choosing the best substitute I could find — my trusty servant. 

PHALEN — And you made him accept? Couldn't he object? 

McWANG — Yes, he could but I never heard him say a word against it. 

ALLEGRETTI— He's brave enough to play football. 

McWANG — Yes, you will see him go as peacefully as a lamb to the 
slaughter. 

RETTA— (Shuddering) Oh, I wouldn't like to see a man's head cut off! 

McWANG— It's worse yet when it's your own. 

MAY — I won't go, that's all. 

ADA — (Alarmed) Oh, oh, it's just awful! I know I shall faint. 

VERA — Can't you excuse us girls and let the boys go alone? 

McWANG — I'll excuse, no one. You must obey my commands and be 
at the execution! It really isn't so bad when it's done right and we've 
got the best headsman in China. Ha ve any of you. got any graduation 
speeches ready? 

WINNA — Some of us have. 

McWANG — Then you'd better rehearse them to speak to the poor 
prisoner. He has only a few short hours to live and we want him to be 
glad to leave this dreary, weary life behind. 

WILL — You give us your word that we can have our liberty when all 
is over, and we will do our be.st. 

NOAH — Even if some of us die for it. 

McWANG^Now, that's the way to talk. Be brave whatever you do. 
Just for that I may select only a committee from among you to witness 
the execution. 

ALLEGRETTI — Then, old chap, I resign from the committee at once, 
doncherknow. 

McWANG — Silence, you — you — whatever you are! I'll do the select- 
ing and no re^signations will be accepted. 

NOAH — (Aside to Allegretti) He'll make you chairman, 

McWANG — ("Home Sweet Home" is played on organ outside) That's 
the preliminary funeral dirge. 

PUPILS — (Sit quietly for a few moments listening to music, but grad- 
ually become affected, the girls first) 

29 



t 



McWANG — It's all very sad. (Brokenly) I never heard it played so I 
touchingly before. (Pause. To pupils) Quit that crying! I can't stand 
it! (As weeping gets louder, is wholly overcome and bellows so loud 
that O'Hang awakes) i 

O'HANG — (Looks about for a moment and then joins in the chorus) * 
Wow! 0-oh! Wow! Wow! Wow! Etc. 

OMNES — (The wailing is at its height when the curtain falls) 
CURTAIN. 

SCENE: — Throne room in McWang's Palace. Fancy sitting. Double 
arch C. in which throne and throne steps are placed. Doors R. and L. 
Low table L. of throne. Old typewriter on table. Headsman's block 
•down R. C. Dress scene with Japanese lanterns, banners, etc. Lights: 
Down at opening of ACT— full up at close. Time: Early morning. 

McWANG — (When curtain rises, is seated on throne with policeman's 
<3lub in his hand for a sce.ptre) 

YING LING— (Seated on floor at R. of throne steps) 
SANA — (Seated on floor back of table L. As curtain rises, she is 
pounding on the typewriter) 

WATANNA— YUNNAN— ONOTA—TU TU— (Are seated about on 
floor) 

McWANG — (Raps on throne, chair with club) Order in court! Let 
the ceremonies proceed! 
SANA— (Stops writing) 

MAIDS — We're in order. Let things proceed. 

McWANG — After pause) Well, why don't someone start something? 
MAIDS — Don't ask us. We don't know. 
McWANG — Then who does know? 

YING LING — (Rises with effort and salutes McWang) We have the 
lienor, your highness, to report nothing until sunrise, when Sambo Sam 
meets his doom. 

MAIDS — Let's adjourn till then. 
WATANNA — Yes, we don't want to wait that long. 
McWANG — Don't get impatient. You won' t have long o wait. (To 
Ying Ling) How about that bunch of tourists that were arrested last 
night? 

YING LING — We had forgotten them, your highness. 
McWANG — Forgotten 'em? How careless of you! We don't see how 
anybody could do that. (Pause) Well, what about 'em? 

YING LING — Perhaps they should be punished at once, for their do- 
ings were most arrogant to your most gracious highness. They were 
discovered meandering about in the vegetable cellar of the Palace in a 
most brazen manner and they even had the audacity to play a game 

called foot-ball with the sacred cabbages and pumpkins. Furthermore 

McWANG — (Impatiently) Yes, we know all about that. Get down to 
business. 

YING LING — We were going to say, your highness, that we now have 

them corralled in the ante-room and 

McWANG — Well, ante them in. We must have something to liven up 
this otherwise too solemnous occasion and I told them to cofiie prepared. 
YING LING — We will ante them in at once, your highness. (Salutes 
and starts slowly L.) 

McWANG — Get a move on you! 
YING LING— (Exit hurriedly L.) 

McWANG — Sana, go tell Chip Chop he can split wood with his little 
liatchet until we need him. 

SANA — Yes, your highness. (Rise and exit L.) 

30 



McWANG — Now, girls, I'm going to take a chance, an awful chanc3, 
and bring in some crazy young farmers from the other side of the e-arth. 
See that you behave yourselves. 

MAIDS— We will. 

McWANG — Smile not upon them. 

MAIDS— We won't. 

McWANG— Nor make those Japanese goo-goo eyes. 

MAIDS — We don't know how. 

McWANG— Oh no, of course not. 

YING LING— PUPILS— (Rattle of chains as Ying Ling enters L. fol- 
lowed by pupils in chains. Allegretti can have large ball fastened to one 
leg) 

YING LING — (Salues) Your highness, shall I remove the precau- 
tions ? 

McWANG — Yes, get 'em out of the grasp of the steel trust 

NOAH— (Aside) Aha, a joke! 

YING LING — (Removes chains and throws them in pile in front of 
table. Indicates Allegretti) Shall we release this red-handed desperado, 
your highness? 

McWANG — Yes, we'll take the chance. 

YING LING — (Removes chain and ball from Allegretti) 

ALLEGRETTI— (Greatly relieved) Thanks, awfully; old chap. 

McWANG— It's a mere trifle. Don't mention it. 

PUPILS— Take seats about on floor) 

YING LING — What further commands, your highness? 

McWANG — They will assist us in giving a special preliminary perform- 
ance to the main event of the morning. If any of them refuse., lead 'em 
to yonder block. Sana, you are official niaster of ceremeonies. Read 
the bill of fare. 

(The various specialties, consisting of marches, athletic stunts, songs, 
etc., are presented) 

McWANG — (After the specialties, rises and comes forward. With 
dignity) In closing these exercises we wish to make a few remarks. We 
are glad to have so many with us on this gay and hilarious occasion and 
we wish you all many happy returns of the day. To this crowd of dairy- 
men from the other side ofthe world, we will say that we never saw such 
a gang in one bunch before in all our life. We do not wish to cast a 
dampness over this cheerful assemblage, dear young friends, so we ad- 
vise you to go right on with your education. It may some day be your 
happy lot to teach in the village schools of your native State at so much 
per and "Board around" and some of the more promising of you may 
even arise to the exalted position of agent for the school book trust. 
With these few words we bid you a fond and loving farewell. Bring in 
the prisoner. Let the real show begin. (Takes seat on throne) 

SANA — (Enters L. with large document in hand. Takes place back 
of table) Your highness, I have here a document from Sambo Sam say- 
ing that he has gone to (Local) to get his voice repaired. 

McWANG — (Smiling) That's a good idea! An excellent idea! It 
will make the execution all the more real and natural. 

SANA — But he has not yet returned, your highness. 

McWANG — (Leans forward with hand to ear) What's that? 

SANA — (Louder) He has not returned, your highness. 

McWANG — (Sinks back in chair) Is it possible that Sambo Sam, the 
ever faithful, has deceived us? Excitedly) Find a new substitute, some- 
one! It's almost sunrise! 

SANA — Substitutes are hard to get, your highness, especially at this 
early hour. 

31 



McWANG — But there are many new found friends present. We will 
solicit aid from them. 

SANA — A good suggestion, your highness. 

PUPILS — (Appear frightened) 

McWANG — (Smiling, to pupils) Won't some of you volunteer? 

PUPILS— (Shake heads violently) We couldn't do that. 

McWANG — Surely, you must be mistaken. Won't even one volunteer? 

PUPILS— (Shake heads) 

McWANG — (Slight pause as he looks pupils over. Indicates AUe.gret- 
ti) That nice young man over there with the heart and disposition of 
a woman, won't you accept the honor? 

ALLEGRETTI— (Shakes head) Oh deah, no! 

McWANG — We give you our unbroken word that you will never live 
to regret it. Please do this for me, just this once. 

ALLEGRETTI — But I couldn't do it, really, old chap — I mean your 
Jiighness. 

McWANG — You don't realize what this means to me! 

ALLEGRETTI— Oh, yaas, I do but I can't do it, really I can't? 

McWANG — (In despair) Then our last hope is shattered and we are 
lost! Lost! 

O'HANG — (Enter L. with long rope over shoulder which he pulls across 
stage with great effort. He then pulls it in, hand over hand, for some 
time) 

PROF. — (Enters L. on end of rope in bedraggled condition) 

McWANG — (Fans himself as though much relieved) 

PROF. — At C. falls on knees and addresses McWang) Oh kind sir, 
spare my life! Give me my liberty! I am only a common man! 

NOAH — (Aside) I'm glad he admits it. 

PROF. — Have, mercy and command the officer to remove the rope! I 
swear to return home and trouble China no more. 

WILL — (Quickly) And we'll all go with him. 

McWANG — (Holds up hand) Not so fast! (To O'Hang) Untie, the 
rope. 

O'HANG — (Roughly removes rope) Ye ould rascal! Ye are a tough 
wan fer an ould wan! (Shakes fist at Prof.) But ye are here jist the 
same! (A bell tolls.) 

McWANG — Ah, that's the sunrise bell! Time for the execution is at 
liand. (To Sana) Call in the headsman. 

SANA — Yes, your highness. (Exit L. hurriedly) 

PROF. — Give me my freedom, kind sir! I will depart at once. 

McWANG — Venerable senior, we would gladly accede to your request 
l)ut a victim is necessary to fulfill our program and we can offer you 
no hope. (To O'Hang) Lead the old man to the block. 

GIRLS— (Begin to weep) 

PROF. — More excitedly) Mercy, your highness! Mercy! Have you no 
mercy? 

McWANG — No, but we can give you something just as good. O'Hang, 
do your duty. 

O'HANG — (Roughly leads Praf. to block) 

PROF. — (At blocl^ facing audience — trembling) Hold, your highness, 
liold! Don't murder an old man! Pity my gray hairs! 

CHIP CHOP — (Enters L. with large axe on shoulder — crosses stage 
w^ith long heavy strides to R. of Prof.) 

PROF. — (Glances up at Chip Chop and groans) O-oh! 

SANA — (Enters L. and takes place back of table) 

McWANG — Never mind your gray hairs, grandpa, never mind 'em. 

32 



The color of my hair never worries me and the few you have won't 
trouble you long. Chip Chop, proceed with your little stunt! 

O'HANG — (Roughly pushes Prof.'s head down on block )~~ Now stay 
there jist wan minute. (Steps back) 

PUPILS — (Cover their faces with their hands or turn them away) 

CHIP CHOP — (Places axe on Prof.'s neck to get better aim and then 
takes big swing to strike) 

NAKODA — YUM — (Enter R. Nakoda rushes between Chip Chop and 
Prof, and throws up arms to ward off blow. To Chip Chop) Stop, you 
vile monster! Would you murder an innocent old man? 

O'HANG — Aw, don't but in. It's against orders. 

NAKODA — You hireling of the law! How dare you thus address me. 
Stand back, or I'll 

O'HANG — ^Aw, ye can't scare me, I'm an officer of the law, and I'm 
doing me duty. 

NAKODA — Silence! I'm the only law here. 

McWANG — (Coming down C. quickly, to Nakoda) One single, solitary, 
momentary second, my dear. If you are. not more quiet the performance 
will positively not continue. Desist from your protestations at this time 
and we will explain it all to you afterwards. 

NAKODA — Never! I'll have nothing more to do with you. You can 
explain nothing to me.( Touches Prof, on shoulder, Sweetly) Arise, you 
dear old man. You are free. (Smiles blushingly on Prof.) I, the Princess 
Nakoda am y,our friend. (Looks at McWang) Let him who dares op- 
pose me. 

McWANG — (Sneaks back to throne) I know I won't. 

PROF. — (With head from block, dramatically) O, most high and noble 
Princess. You are my life preserver. O' what a piece of work is woman! 
How superior to reason! How like an angel! In times of trouble how 

NAKODA-— With hand to heart) O, this is so sudden! Will you really 
and truly be mine? 

PROF. — (Takes a good look at her) What! (Excitedly puts head on 
block) Headsman, do your best. 

McWANG — (Aside) — ^Wise man. 

CHIP CHOP — (Places ax on Prof.'s neck and swings to strike) 

NAKODA — (Stops Chip Chop as before and says) Strike at your peril! 
(Pulls Prof, from block) You need fear nothing from me, old man. Many 
times turned down I am now resolved to live a single unmarried life, 
There, will be no execution on my account. 

McWANG — (Sighs) A most happy thought. (Pupils applaud) 

WILL — Three cheers for the Princess Nakoda. 

PUPILS— Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! 

NAKODA— (Silly smile and bow) 

SAMBO — (Enters L. with skip and salutes McWang) 

McWANG— -You good for nothing imp of darkness. You have spoiled 
the whole show. 

SAMBO— (Squeaky voice) Who, me? (Points to hiinself) 

McWANG— -Yes, you. How do you expert us to give a decent perform- 
ance when the leading actor is not present? 

SAMBO — Your highness I wanted to leave the world in good repair. 
So I went and got my voice, patched. 

McWANG— Well, I hope you got a good job. 

SAMBO — I sho did. Want a sample of it. 

McWANG — I guess we can stand it. Go ahead. 

SAMBO — Sings song of his own selection. All may join on chorus. At 
conclusion all applaud) 

PHALEN — Can we go now, your Highness? 

33 



McWANG — On one condition. 

ALLr — Name it. 
. McWANG — That you take me with you. 

ALL — Of course, we will. 

NOAH — (To the girls and indicating the maids) And let's take the 
maids along. What do you say, girls? 

GIRLS— O, if they insist. 

MAIDS— Wait until we INSIST, will you? 

McWANG — Then PU go it alone. Here, Nakoda, take this high chair 
of state and the club that goes with it. (Hands police, club to Nakoda.) 
Hope you folks we leave behind will all be as happy as we are when 
we drop over to the other side of the earth. 

ALLEGRETTI— O, that is good. Awfully good. 

McWANG — PROF. — PUPILS— (Start singing: "Sailing, Sailing, Over 
the Bounding Wave/' or some other boat song to be found in most any 
college or school collection of songs. They march single file by throne. 
The girls each get a flag which was placed near the throne and each 
boy and the Prof, ge.t an oar. At close of first verse the girls kneel 
across front of stags facing L. They hold the flags to make the side of 
a boat. The boys each place an oar between the girls and row together 
as the. chorus is sung. Prof, stands in stern of boat and guides with his 
oar. McWang stands in prow and uses his fan as a spy glass. Rest of 
the characters wave "Goodbye" with fans and Jap banners. 

CURTAIN. 

END. 



ORDER FORM for "ALL ON ACCOUNT OF PROFESSOR" 

NATIONAL DRAMA CO., 

P. O. Box 797. Your P. 0. 

Memphis, Tenn. 

192... 

Gentlemen: — Inclosed find MONEY ORDER for $5.00 for which send 
me Copyright Privilege License for one presentation of 

"ALL ON ACCOUNT OF PROFESSOR"- By Harry L. Dixson. 

Play to be presented about the date of 192.— 

In the town of State 

It is understood and agreed that you are to furnish free with this 
License a complete set of parts for rehearsal, and to refund the pur- 
chase price if I produce the play and find it unsatisfactory. 



Signed 

(Supt. or Prin.) 



S4 



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